I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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