Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
