Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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