so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
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