I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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