you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
