i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
