The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
