My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
