Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
