I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
