I wish my penis had an off switch
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
My hand turned me down
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Randomize
