So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
