This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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