No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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