If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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