i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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