I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you didnt know i had herpes?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
