Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Randomize
