There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
