Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
