my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
