i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
