You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
