I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
