i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
