Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I forget how to act sober
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
