so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
