He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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