just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
This house was built for laser tag.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
