Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
