My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
