I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
