My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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