how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
