Need sex. Gaining weight.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
