I'm so fucking centered right now
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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