new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
