sarcasm needs its own font
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
