so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
