I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
