i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
