I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
