I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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