i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
