Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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