So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
So much rum. So many feels.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
