woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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