I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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