I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
