Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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