I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
