i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
what day is it and did you see me today?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
