At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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