listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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