i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
